Perfectly adequate home in decent area. Architecturally coherent, after a fashion. Updated, insofar as it was once renovated, probably in the 1970s or 1990s, but in a manner that did more harm than good. Features rooms, hallways, ceilings, and other details unremarkable in a structure meant to be a residence. The home is situated on a plot of land of an ordinary size. Priced by means of numbers. Homeowners feel that they are entitled to a 10% annual appreciation despite having purchased the property just before the total collapse of the real estate market.

*     *     *

New build, the latest example of builder-investor’s cookie-cutter teardown speculations in this subdivision. Irresponsibly large given the lot, street, and neighborhood. Bland but inoffensive exterior, which we’ll call “Craftsman” or “Tudor” even though it exhibits no particularly distinctive architectural details. Features the latest tired fads in interior design, including but not limited to granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, and open floorplan layout. Shoddy but not reckless construction methods enacted upon bare-minimum materials. Corners cut in the hopes of quick six-figure profits.

*     *     *

‘Frankenstein’ home, the result of six or more decades of slow, bumbling additions and modifications over the course of second owners’ slow descent from the prime of adulthood into and beyond the decrepit stench of old age. Lots of rooms! Rooms between, beyond, and even within other rooms. Rooms that will make you wonder what a ‘room’ even is, anyway. Original architectural charm has been irrevocably altered in a manner you will call ‘almost criminal’ on the drive home. Finished basement (in the sense of concluded, discharged, executed) with wood paneling, mysterious stains, and terrifying, brooding darkness. Estate sale; offers are encouraged to take a specific side in bitter dispute among adult children heirs.

*     *     *

Profligate family home in high-status neighborhood. Palatial in a grandiose way. So large you will still discover new rooms years after you move in—especially since you’ll need two doctor, attorney, or investment banker incomes to afford the property in the first place, demanding working hours so long you’ll never spend any time here anyway. Features construction materials chosen solely for the purpose of enumerating them in a real estate listing: marble, slate, cherry, bamboo. Circular driveway suitable for showing off new Porsche “just for a week or two” before stowing it in one of the home’s four garages. Separate entrance for housekeeper doubles as exit for mistress.

*     *     *

Unique, one-of-a-kind home, the product of mentally unstable, childless professionals who mistook themselves for ‘designers.’ Heinous, irreparable, and perverse architectural violations enacted upon what was once a reasonable if not even fetching home. Includes artist’s studio (x2), in-kitchen jacuzzi, and well-seasoned orgy room. Plans available to restore prior second, third, and fourth bedrooms from current BDSM dungeon. Notice to buyer’s agents: turgid genitalia art on display.

published November 16, 2013

Comments

  1. Andy

    Two-story slightly pre-war, slightly post-war quasi-Victorian home. Original wood floors, tile, and electrical wiring. Updated furnace and full-house AC added mid-1990s, although radiators remain throughout (non functional). All other surfaces (including radiators) covered with 72 coats of paint, which generally obscures hidden molding and/or mold. Features free-standing garage for compact car, cinderblock base with vintage wooden garage door. Back yard completely dominated by oak tree planted the year the house was built, although a few branches have gone dead and been removed and tarred over – provides excellent shade, and can be used to support a tire swing! Front porch slopes slightly to the left for added drainage.